I feel that "I love you" is one of the scariest thing you could ever say to someone.

You are entrusting your heart to them, hoping and praying your hardest that they will never break it.

It was weird seeing your family again, after almost a year of not seeing them. All kinds of mixed feelings came up, the sense of familiarity, how I thought we were going to be a family somehow becoming acquaintances instead. I have to thank them, for being so welcoming to me. It feels somewhat good, to be able to see them without having you around. And I'm really glad that they still treats me the same as before and trying very to keep me updated on their lives. I guess because of my sudden disappearance from their lives, there wasn't any proper ending. We didn't sort out the things we left at each other's house, and mine were probably already thrown away by you. I just fade out, from their lives like that. No proper goodbye, no proper explanations.

You have changed, and I have came to accept that fact. You are no longer the same person that I once knew or loved. The fact that you have decided on 'staying as friends' was pathetic excuse for you to feel better about yourself. You used to said I was a runner, and how I always chose to run away from our problems. Yet you, of all people, becoming quite a runner yourself. You ended off "Us" by running away, not even having the fucking courage to look me in the eyes and tell me why.

I was grateful that you told me about the passing of your grandfather. I was actually ready to give you the support if you have needed it. Until you decided that I should not come pay my respect at all. I figured that you just didn't have the fucking courage to see me again, because you wouldn't know how to handle the situation of me seeing your family again. And then I realised I don't have to listen to your fucking nonsense anymore, I don't need to be controlled by you. I went when you weren't there. I wouldn't know how to react as well if I have seen you there. I didn't want to be treated like shit by you one final time if you had seen me there.

I'm glad I went despite you opposing to it. At the very least, I got to say a final goodbye to him and at the same time got to see your parents one final time. At least there was a proper goodbye to them, and I'm able to end on good terms with them.

I don't want my relationship with them to be like the one with you. Because you are just a mean person to me and they are not.

You fucking bastard.

I don't know why am I still so hung up about you, when you could just throw away everything and leave. You asshole you fucking asshole.

I know I'm loved by my friends and family. And I know I fucking do not deserve the way you treated me. Yet I don't understand why you, yes you keep running in my head.

I remembered once you asked me, " How do you know I really like this pair of jeans?"

And I told you this, "The way your eyes sparkle and shine just by looking at it." 

It's true, your eyes have the kind of sparkle when you see or try something that you really love, and that's how I know that I should really get it for you. 

I never thought I would ever stop looking at those pair of  eyes, 

Until they stopped shining for me.

of course I miss you. I still do. After 4 fucking years together, how could I not?
And I know I shouldn't, after how you decide to throw me away.

"I need some time alone."
"Can we just be friends?'

And that's it. That's how my world fucking fell apart. There's no explanation. Nothing. You just decided that you no longer needed me.

One day, we were at Carousel having dinner, celebrating you and your mum's birthday. And the very next, this just happened. Its as if a car just hit me over and over again. But the thing is, I really wish I could just die, and not feel any of this heartache.

Remember the last place you brought me to for a date? The House of Robert Timms at Wheelock, on 3rd July 2015. I accompanied you for a haircut before that. I remembered feeling at peace, like everything was finally falling into place. That you were no longer that hot tempered guy and I learnt to be more understanding. When you told me you were bringing me on a date, I felt like the happiest girl on earth. Because, it has been so long. So long since we went on one. And because your university was starting soon with all the crazy camps and all, I felt like we really needed one. I remembered looking at you, and thinking, " Yup, I really love you so so much." That same feeling 4 years back when you ran to buy me a Mcflurry just to cheer me up.

And who knows? 24 days later, everything just changed. Just like that.

And at first, I couldn't believe it.

"Maybe its a phrase? Maybe he is just tired. He will come around and be back with me once all these stupid camps have ended."

But it didn't. And up till now, I still ask myself "why?"

People were telling me about how some guys change when they first entered uni.

"Huh? You encourage him to join hall? Aren't you worried?"

Silly me thought, "Why would I? I trusted you so much. And after 4 years and tons of shit we have been through together, I think we are at a good place right now."

And I really wanted you to join all the camps and all because I know you were a good person that people tend to misunderstand. People don't see the goodness in you. But I do. And I know you want more friends and people to understand you better. That's why I encourage, even if that means I will not be able to see you as often.

That very night when you accused me of questioning you. You fucking didn't even give me a chance to explain myself. Why did I keep texting you and asking you all sorts of questions?

fuck, because I know that your first camp experience wasn't that great and you were feeling lonely, and that's why for your hall camp I tried to reply you as best as I can. I tried my best to entertain you.
And all I get was you trying to break up with me.

And I thought, "oh 2015 is gonna be a good year, because we quarreled so much lesser and we talked to each other so much more."

You, you just left me alone to settle the heart break you caused. And fuck even up till now, I still believe that is a goodness in you.

I cringed each time I see things that remind me of you. When the bus passes by the restaurant we last had our date. When I walked by places that we have been. Even up till now, when I look at something interesting like a new cafe or a top I want to buy, I would start to imagine what you would say.

"Orhh, go get lor."
"Orhh, next time we go try."

And it's almost a month away from our supposed 5th anniversary. I don't even know how I would react on that very day. I even got the materials ready to make your graduation card way back when we were still together. That's how much I look forward to our future together.

Sometimes I really hope it's all just a dream. That maybe, just maybe I will wake up one day with you still here with me.

I still fucking miss you.

When you are just so fucking tired with everything that keeps coming your way and you pray so hard for never having to wake up and face this cruel world again.

If lovers didn't fight,
Love would not have existed.
In love, you need to indulge in fights-
Be a little louder than usual,
Complain, argue
Cry.
Do the fiercest of things
Shut room doors randomly,
Sit alone,
Make single coffees,
Read books pretentiously,
Die out of jealousy
And go crazy
Beyond cardiac and cranial responsibilities.
And once you have released
All the anger and fury,
Love will bind you back,
Love promises to bind you back,
Stitch your pages
Into a book.
This will happen,
This needs to happen.
For,
Love
Demands
Everything.
And, everything includes both
The Good
And the Bad-
And that is why
Love is
Everything.
That is why,
When lovers fight,
The fight ends with a
Criminal
"I love you."
And that is why,
Love is love
And not anything else.
But remember-
If lovers didn't fight,
Love wouldn't have existed.

- Mui aka saintbrush.com

I imagined having conversations with you that we might never have again. 

I was watching a reality show about a couple coming together and asking each other truthful questions about their relationship. This one man said the one of the most beautiful and honest things about love itself.

"Maybe it's 3 months, maybe it's 6 months, 

maybe it's a year. 

But we know how to climb back up this hill 

and get back here. 

And I will do that as many times as I have to."

Sure, the starting of a new relationship is beautiful.
The rate at which our hearts beat,
how we blush when we look into each other's eyes,
how the conversations never seem to end because we are getting to know each other and
how awkwardly we may hold hands or kiss for the first time.

Yet, I would rather go to the phrase where we are so fucking comfortable with each other.
Where we do not have to dress to impress,
where I could just hug you as and when I want without the awkwardness,
where all our flaws, physical or not, do not matter anymore.
Like how I could tell you my deepest darkest demons yet not having to worry whether you would judge me.
Or how I could look so ugly crying in your arms, with my hair bun up and my face without makeup.
And how I don't have to trim my brows or wax my legs.
How we could just go on for period of time without saying a word yet completely understand what the other is thinking.
How we could just cuddle all day in our pyjamas, catching up on shows or movies together.

And yes, we may ended up doing things for each other "out of habit", but because you spent so much time together, it would naturally turn into habits despite you liking the term or not.

Sure, the initial sparks may fade, the butterflies in our tummies may have flown away and our hearts may not beat as fast as before.
But that doesn't mean love has fade, it just means we have reached another level of love.

How we are so comfortable showing our flaws so ever nakedly in front of each other and knowing you will still be there, no matter what.

Isn't that even more beautiful instead?

#thingsIthoughtofonthebus

" all I want is nothing more,
to hear you knocking at my door"

Dear me,

Please stop doing stupid things and embarrassed yourself. Please stop doing things that will make 50 year old you be disappointed in 22 year old you.

What if the sun and moon are star-crossed lovers that only meet once every eclipse?

What if the stars in the sky are actually our little guardian angels, letting us know that we are not alone?

How could happiness be all dependent on just one person?

Stubborn

-having or showing dogged determination not to change one's attitude or position on something, especially in spite of good reasons to do so. (credit: google search engine)

This particular word just came to my head this afternoon when I was on my way to school. 

Aren't we all stubborn in one way or another? 

We all should have something that we strongly believe in or hold on to no matter what others say. So to say one is stubborn just because you do not agree with his/her doing is just equal to saying that you are stubborn because you refuse to believe/listen to what he/she is doing? 

Therefore, no one person should be more stubborn as the other? Because we all have something we are stubborn in? 

okay I think I'm rambling on right now because I had a few drinks and I'm super disappointed with the test i did today.

That being said, I'm stubborn in my own ways. 

Like how I only drink ice lemon tea from certain brands, like how I only eat chicken thigh and not chicken breast, like how I could not let you go even after so many months. 

I saw this on facebook the other day and I really like how the writer described love.

"Maybe love is not in fancy dinners, late night walks by the river, or going to the movies. Maybe love is not in holding hands, long car drives, or an outing to the beach.

Maybe love is in trying to find freshly squeezed orange juice to go with the vodka, because you know they don't like artificially flavored juices. Maybe love is in the small gesture of knowing that they like their coffee with cream and two tablespoons of sugar, no more, no less. Maybe love is when you set the temperature to 75, even when you are too hot, because they feel too cold.

Maybe love is not a destination, but a journey, which is beautiful, because you have them by your side. Maybe love is not in being perfectly immaculate, but being immaculately imperfect."

-Shivee Chauchan





Because it's the littlest things that count, and the rest are just bonuses that comes along the way when you love someone.

me

hi,

I want to write a post about myself, to start my self-discovery or something like that, to understand who I am because I get so ever confused with myself at times. 

I know for one fact is, I'm weird. But aren't we all weird in our own ways? I want to embrace my weirdness, and to unravel even more weirdness about myself. So, this post might just be an ongoing one as I embarked this journey of self-discovery. 

The first thing that came into my mind when I think about myself is that I fart. A LOT. I'm not like most girls who try to control their farts. I'm not like that. Because I fart so much, it makes no sense for me to control it. And I like to think that I have a healthy bowel system. Even now when I'm typing this, I could feel my tummy generating some gas for me to let it all out later. I fart so much that I tend to suffocate myself at times with the scent of it. Isn't farting part of human nature? Which is why i could never understand when people tend to get embarrassed by it (myself included. OOPS). People who cannot take farts should never ever be friends with me. #truth

The next thing is I really love ice lemon tea. Like really. It has become such a big part of my life. It serves as wake me up drink like how coffee do to humans, except I like to believe that I'm not dependent on it. I just simply LOVE it. But I do not love all ice lemon teas, only a few brands are my go-to. The best one are those that are homemade, like real brewed black tea with lemon slices in it. Yum. Yup those. I have criteria for my ice lemon tea, I have standards. 

tbc....

2016

To learn to count my blessings.