for you.

Things I wish I could say to you right now.

I'm sorry for all the mistakes I made in this relationship. In fact, I'm sorry that I have brought you so much pain. And every single minute of the 4 years that we have been together, I have regretted everything that I have done to push you away. It wasn't easy for you, yet you held on for so long. I thanked you for that, for saving my broken soul and in turn suffered. I hope you were at your happiest during our happy moments. You may not know it, for every single time you laughed your hardest with me, I remembered it.

me (lying on your lap): eh I have a present for you!
you : eh what?
me proceeding to fart.
you being speechless and laughed

and that moment when I see you laugh like that, I wondered "Did anyone else makes you laugh like that? I hope I'm the first and only one."

I love lying on your laps on most days, where the moment I opened my eyes, you would be there staring at me. And I love looking through your phone to see all the pictures of me you took when I was asleep. I didn't know someone could love me so much, to notice all my flaws and yet still love me for who I am.

I love how you would always surprise me at the staircase near my doorsteps. And even up till now, I have the habit to turn and look to see if anyone were there. How your head would pop up behind the wall and secretly watching me while I put on my shoes. And how you smile upon meeting my gaze.

I love how you started having eyebags after being together with me. How you were sleeping late caused of my sleeping patterns and waited for me every night just to sleep at the same time with you. I love how we used to call and facetime each other before going to bed. And how one night we were just sending each other stupid selfies as a form of communication.

I love how you always try to cheer me up when I'm upset. Truth to be told, I'm an incredibly easy person to be cheer up, and yet I guess I always make it hard for you. Thanks for all the gummies and famous amos you bought for me just so I could be happy. And I always always look back to the time when you rush to teck whye mcdonalds just to buy me a mcflurry to cheer me up when I'm upset at school. That moment when you came back to school with a cup of mcflurry in your hand and drops of perspiration dripping down your head and hands and every where else, wearing that red keller pe shirt, I swear you looked incredibly sexy.

And all I thought to myself was "I wanna marry you."

That moment just clicked.

I love how we always compared the size of our palms and how short your fingers were as compared to mine and yet the size of your palms were incredibly huge as compared to mine. And how your ring finger is the size of my thumb and how mine was the size of your little pinky. hahahah

I love how your hands are always so warm. In fact, I guess your whole body is. That's why I love holding on to them and I love hugging you. And I can never understand why I pushed you away last time.

I love how you always named out the few places I like to eat when I'm in a bad mood. You know I love food and always always tried to satisfy my cravings just to make me happy. And I love how you would just drink ice lemon tea with me just cause it's my favourite drink. I love how everyday at school, you would buy me one bottle in the morning and how even when we are out, when I said I needed a drink, you would auto just buy ice lemon tea for us to share.

I love how you always want to talk to me. And how you would always listen to my stories intently. Because you would say, " I don't have much stories to tell, and I love listening to yours." I love how you used to write letters for me every once a month just to profess your love to me. I guess I was selfish at that time and I did not think the impact I caused you for not replying.

I love how I could always run to you when I'm having problems. I love how I would always cry my eyes out during A level period and yet you will always be there comforting me and feeding me dominoes. And how even after I received my A level results, you were there throughout the whole way, letting me wet your polo with my tears. And till now, I have always regretted the fact that I didn't managed to see you go up the stage because of your results.

I love how you would always try your best to send me to work, despite being so tired all the time. And how, when both of us are working, you would try your best to surprise me during my break. And how you would remember the time of the month for me and remind me to be prepared for it.

I love how being the quiet person that you are and yet you chose to open up to me. I'm honored, so incredibly honored. And I love how you always want us to talk things out and yet, I'm always escaping from all of that. I'm an escapist, or at least I used to be one.

And then, life happened.

I pushed you to your breaking point. And it's all my fault. I'm indecisive and I thought I could figure out a solution to solve the one major thing that caused our relationship to fail. But I couldn't.

But trust me on this. I never ever once want to hurt you the way I did. I apologized for the things I said in a fit of anger. You were constantly worried about me. Whether I was hurt in any way. I appreciate that even though I may not have show it to you.

And throughout what have happened, I have always wanted to tell you how I feel every single day, yet I could not because I don't want to hurt you in any more way.

Sorry for pushing you away in the past and not being able to do much for you because of the circumstances I was in. I'm sorry for being the kid I was, for not being understanding enough towards you. For always losing my temper at you and for treating you as my punching bag.

I now realised that you have accepted me at my worst and I should have given you my best. And I'm sorry if I did not do so. And now it's too late isn't it?

Thank you for the best 4 years of my life. I thought we could have last since we have been through so many shits together. And we have filled it with so many sad memories yet I was at my happiest when I was with you. You taught me the definition of love and showed me how deep one's love can be. And I'm so truly blessed to have you by my side throughout this whole time.

I wished you all the best in your new life. And if you need me in any way, I promise I will be there. For you to lean on, and if you are ever tired, I will lend you my laps and shoulders for you to lie on.

If we ever cross paths again, I hope we can really forget everything that happens, starts anew and be a better person to each other.

I love you.