2015

You piece of shit.

You are currently the worst year of my life.

This year, I saw my dad admitted to the hospital for the first time. And have the constant worry of him having seizure happening again from then on.

This year I decided to take a break from school and for the most part of it, I was feeling lost and doubting myself so much. The lack of confidence and self-esteem were and maybe still are slowly eating me from the inside. I stop seeing the beauty in myself and for the most part of it, I believe I was just a useless person wasting the earth's resources.

And this just further escalates when the man you thought you were going to spend your whole life with decided to leave you. One week before he said that he loves you and the very next week, he wants to be alone. Because this happens all of a sudden after being together for 4 years and because he makes the decision to leave, you are left feeling broken and constantly blaming yourself for it.

Maybe I just wasn't good enough for him? Didn't we already overcome so much between us that we finally deserve to be happy forever? Maybe he met someone that he feels that is much better suited for him? Maybe I'm just a replacement for him until he found his new self in university? Did I make it so easy for you to leave me? Am I just that easily forgettable?

All these questions will slowly eat you up and make you deem yourself as unworthy.

2015, I cannot wait for you to be over. I'm suffocating.

2016, may I learn to see the rainbow after the thunderstorm.

Do you know how it feel to miss someone every second of every day?

And yet, there's nothing more you can do about it?

A happy Merry Merry Christmas to you! :)

Hey,

Happy Monthsary once again.

ily.

I dreamt of you last night.

You were holding on to my hands, and I, lying on your shoulders.

We were happy.
I was, at the very least.



Until I woke up.

of course, 

I still love you. 

Dear love,

Happy monthsary once again.

imy.

Today marks the 3rd month since all these shit happened.

Yet, even up till now, I don't hate you for all the freaking times you pushed me away.
It hurts, of course it hurts.

But, how do you hate someone you love so much?

Please, just stop running.

Hey, happy monthsary.

Dear you,

Tonight is one of those nights that I miss you more than I should. It have been slightly more than 2 months that this shit happened and up till now, I have no fucking idea what's wrong with you. 

We used to text every single day. Updating each other on what we are doing, whether we have meals already, what we plan to do next, texting each other good morning and good night. And I miss that, I miss all of that. 4 years of having someone to talk to and rely on. 4 years of having someone to share my problems with. 4 years, is enough for me to be completely dependent on you. And what puzzled me was, how the hell could you just throw all of that away in one night? And then get used to it so fast? 

It's like you have left me behind, like you no longer needed me, when your new life starts. It just felt like all the years being with you means nothing to you. And maybe I was just someone there to fill up the gaps you felt and then conveniently dump aside when you have something better in life. Tell me I'm wrong. Tell me you still love me. 

And maybe because everything happened so abruptly, I have no idea how to handle this. Because all of a sudden, one fateful night you decided to that "you want time alone". All of a sudden, we stop texting all at once, the first time it ever happened throughout the 4 years, no matter how badly we fought. 

You would never know. How badly I cried that fateful night. How I couldn't slept for the weeks to come. How I started having nightmares of you leaving me. All the fears that I felt thinking you didn't want me anymore. All my insecurities that come haunting me. And how I started to doubt you, that maybe you found someone else that's why you become like that. I hated myself. That part of me. The part that couldn't pick herself up and just go. The part that couldn't muster up the courage to ask you "why?". The part that love you so much that I couldn't even hate you, no matter how bad you have hurt me. 

And at the end of the day, all I hope was for you to come back and say you are sorry. I don't even need you to tell me you are sorry, I just want to wake up to a message of yours saying "'morning". And I could just let go of what happened before.

for the tired you.

Hey you,

Thank you for the wonderful staycation. It was great actually, to finally be able to spend the whole of 3 days with you after not being able to do so for such a long time. 

 

Truth to be told, I was angry at you for showing up with a hangover. Yet, knowing that you are so tired from everything you are facing, I could not bring myself to stay angry for long. And I'm glad that I was able to let you lean your tired self on me, sharing maybe a little of your fatigue. 

I hope you have had fun with me for these 3 days!

Thank you for leaning on to me when you were tired. 

Thank you for carrying the 3 liters worth of water back to hotel despite having a hangover. 

Thank you for holding on to me when I was so afraid of the wave pool. 

Thank you for carrying all the floats for the rides. 

Thank you for trying to find macarons for me when I was having a huge craving.

Thank you for holding my hands through all the scary rides. 

Thank you for helping me to get my womanly thing. Hahaha 

And lastly, 

Thank you for carrying my bag for me throughout the whole time because the straps were hurting me. 

Now that we are back to reality once again, I hope I could be there for you when you need it. When you are tired from the all shit you are facing, when you are feeling so low and demoralize, when you feel so unmotivated about life. 

Maybe you think that I may not understand what you are going through, yet I'm willing to listen to you when you are willing to tell. I will listen to whatever you want to say, and whatever complains you have about life. I will let you lean on when you just want to lay down for a while. I will give you a hug when life treats you coldly. I will get you all the comfort food you want to gain the strength you need. 

So stay strong my little soldier, and don't ever lost hope. 

for you.

Things I wish I could say to you right now.

I'm sorry for all the mistakes I made in this relationship. In fact, I'm sorry that I have brought you so much pain. And every single minute of the 4 years that we have been together, I have regretted everything that I have done to push you away. It wasn't easy for you, yet you held on for so long. I thanked you for that, for saving my broken soul and in turn suffered. I hope you were at your happiest during our happy moments. You may not know it, for every single time you laughed your hardest with me, I remembered it.

me (lying on your lap): eh I have a present for you!
you : eh what?
me proceeding to fart.
you being speechless and laughed

and that moment when I see you laugh like that, I wondered "Did anyone else makes you laugh like that? I hope I'm the first and only one."

I love lying on your laps on most days, where the moment I opened my eyes, you would be there staring at me. And I love looking through your phone to see all the pictures of me you took when I was asleep. I didn't know someone could love me so much, to notice all my flaws and yet still love me for who I am.

I love how you would always surprise me at the staircase near my doorsteps. And even up till now, I have the habit to turn and look to see if anyone were there. How your head would pop up behind the wall and secretly watching me while I put on my shoes. And how you smile upon meeting my gaze.

I love how you started having eyebags after being together with me. How you were sleeping late caused of my sleeping patterns and waited for me every night just to sleep at the same time with you. I love how we used to call and facetime each other before going to bed. And how one night we were just sending each other stupid selfies as a form of communication.

I love how you always try to cheer me up when I'm upset. Truth to be told, I'm an incredibly easy person to be cheer up, and yet I guess I always make it hard for you. Thanks for all the gummies and famous amos you bought for me just so I could be happy. And I always always look back to the time when you rush to teck whye mcdonalds just to buy me a mcflurry to cheer me up when I'm upset at school. That moment when you came back to school with a cup of mcflurry in your hand and drops of perspiration dripping down your head and hands and every where else, wearing that red keller pe shirt, I swear you looked incredibly sexy.

And all I thought to myself was "I wanna marry you."

That moment just clicked.

I love how we always compared the size of our palms and how short your fingers were as compared to mine and yet the size of your palms were incredibly huge as compared to mine. And how your ring finger is the size of my thumb and how mine was the size of your little pinky. hahahah

I love how your hands are always so warm. In fact, I guess your whole body is. That's why I love holding on to them and I love hugging you. And I can never understand why I pushed you away last time.

I love how you always named out the few places I like to eat when I'm in a bad mood. You know I love food and always always tried to satisfy my cravings just to make me happy. And I love how you would just drink ice lemon tea with me just cause it's my favourite drink. I love how everyday at school, you would buy me one bottle in the morning and how even when we are out, when I said I needed a drink, you would auto just buy ice lemon tea for us to share.

I love how you always want to talk to me. And how you would always listen to my stories intently. Because you would say, " I don't have much stories to tell, and I love listening to yours." I love how you used to write letters for me every once a month just to profess your love to me. I guess I was selfish at that time and I did not think the impact I caused you for not replying.

I love how I could always run to you when I'm having problems. I love how I would always cry my eyes out during A level period and yet you will always be there comforting me and feeding me dominoes. And how even after I received my A level results, you were there throughout the whole way, letting me wet your polo with my tears. And till now, I have always regretted the fact that I didn't managed to see you go up the stage because of your results.

I love how you would always try your best to send me to work, despite being so tired all the time. And how, when both of us are working, you would try your best to surprise me during my break. And how you would remember the time of the month for me and remind me to be prepared for it.

I love how being the quiet person that you are and yet you chose to open up to me. I'm honored, so incredibly honored. And I love how you always want us to talk things out and yet, I'm always escaping from all of that. I'm an escapist, or at least I used to be one.

And then, life happened.

I pushed you to your breaking point. And it's all my fault. I'm indecisive and I thought I could figure out a solution to solve the one major thing that caused our relationship to fail. But I couldn't.

But trust me on this. I never ever once want to hurt you the way I did. I apologized for the things I said in a fit of anger. You were constantly worried about me. Whether I was hurt in any way. I appreciate that even though I may not have show it to you.

And throughout what have happened, I have always wanted to tell you how I feel every single day, yet I could not because I don't want to hurt you in any more way.

Sorry for pushing you away in the past and not being able to do much for you because of the circumstances I was in. I'm sorry for being the kid I was, for not being understanding enough towards you. For always losing my temper at you and for treating you as my punching bag.

I now realised that you have accepted me at my worst and I should have given you my best. And I'm sorry if I did not do so. And now it's too late isn't it?

Thank you for the best 4 years of my life. I thought we could have last since we have been through so many shits together. And we have filled it with so many sad memories yet I was at my happiest when I was with you. You taught me the definition of love and showed me how deep one's love can be. And I'm so truly blessed to have you by my side throughout this whole time.

I wished you all the best in your new life. And if you need me in any way, I promise I will be there. For you to lean on, and if you are ever tired, I will lend you my laps and shoulders for you to lie on.

If we ever cross paths again, I hope we can really forget everything that happens, starts anew and be a better person to each other.

I love you.

Hey,


Happy monthsary , love.

dear you, yes you.
you have no idea how happy you made me today with those little actions of yours.

thank you for hugging me when we were napping today.
thank you for letting me lie on your shoulder when we were on the bus and making sure that im comfortable.
thank you for holding my hand tightly when we were crossing the horrendous road.
thank you for holding on to me when i was trying to balance at the edge of the road.
thank you for pulling me in and giving me a hug at the end of the day.
and thank you for the goodbye kiss.

i really do miss all of that and i really do miss you.

2.40pm, the last I heard from you.

Perhaps you have your own life now and I am just a burden to you.

will I still see you in a few hours time?

I guess I tend to get stuck in the past alot.
I miss the times when i came out of my house and i see you waiting by the stairs for me.
Or the times when i was going home late, and you wait at the control station just to send me home.
The times where you would deliver my favourite breakfast to me early in the morning.
I miss the times where i would lie on your laps and fell asleep. And you would continue holding on to my hand just to let me feel your presence.
The times when i first open my eyes and see you staring back at me.
And the times where you would tell me you love me every single day.

Who are you now? and where have the past you been? how can one person change so much? and how does one cope with change?

Imysm.

dearest love.

     I guess it's getting harder and harder telling you how I feel and each time you asked, I would always shrug it off by saying, 'oh, just tired.' It's easier to deal with you not knowing my feelings than you knowing yet not doing anything about it. It's just getting increasingly difficult to tell you without you losing your patience on me and telling me to walk away.

We stopped saying " I love you" to each other.
You stopped telling me you miss me.
You stopped wishing me monthsary on time even when i do because you want to take revenge on how i used to not say in the past.
You started losing your patience at me so ever frequently.
You start complaining about whatever flaws i have.
You stopped wanting to hold my hands and hug me.
I stopped calling you because i didnt want to quarrel with you over the phone anymore.
You stopped taking funny photos with me or maybe even want to take pictures with me.


How much, just how much do we have to lose before we give up on everything?
And honestly, every single day, i just hope you would go back being the you you were. I miss the you, the old you so much. The one who no matter how much i pushed you away, will always come looking for me.
I will always always remember the time where you ran to a Mcdonalds to get me a mcflurry just to cheer me up.

old memories are fading and its just getting harder to hold on to it. i wish for you to be back.

this is still one of my favourite photos to date.