dearest love.

     I guess it's getting harder and harder telling you how I feel and each time you asked, I would always shrug it off by saying, 'oh, just tired.' It's easier to deal with you not knowing my feelings than you knowing yet not doing anything about it. It's just getting increasingly difficult to tell you without you losing your patience on me and telling me to walk away.

We stopped saying " I love you" to each other.
You stopped telling me you miss me.
You stopped wishing me monthsary on time even when i do because you want to take revenge on how i used to not say in the past.
You started losing your patience at me so ever frequently.
You start complaining about whatever flaws i have.
You stopped wanting to hold my hands and hug me.
I stopped calling you because i didnt want to quarrel with you over the phone anymore.
You stopped taking funny photos with me or maybe even want to take pictures with me.


How much, just how much do we have to lose before we give up on everything?
And honestly, every single day, i just hope you would go back being the you you were. I miss the you, the old you so much. The one who no matter how much i pushed you away, will always come looking for me.
I will always always remember the time where you ran to a Mcdonalds to get me a mcflurry just to cheer me up.

old memories are fading and its just getting harder to hold on to it. i wish for you to be back.

this is still one of my favourite photos to date.

FML I ACTUALLY ACCIDENTALLY DELETED THE PREVIOUS POST. ROAR.

So here goes again...............

Yesterday was a good day. 

I had breakfast with you and my sister before heading off to great world city to watch hunger games.

Yesterday was the first time both of us stepped foot into great world. Hahahahaha. After 21 years of living. 

Hunger games to me was not bad but you didn't like it. Still, I'm going to pull you to watch part 2 with me. Teeeheeee. 

After the movie, we shopped around great world awhile before heading off the peninsular plaza to eat some awesome Burmese food, which I HAVE BEEN CRAVING FOR MONTHS. 

But before that, we went to Funan it mall. For the first time too. hahahahah what noobs we are. 

And it was like a heaven to you. We walked there for about 2 hours before heading off to settle our dinner.

The Burmese food at peninsular plaza never ever failed to impress me. The tomyum soup. OMG. 

After a fulfilling dinner, we decided to go for a walk and see where it will lead us to. We ended up walking through this super romantic bridge to Fullerton and I brought you to see the starbucks' 100th store. After which, we continued walking to the boat quay where we have some good old traditional durian ice cream wrapped in a slice of bread. Then we headed to Clarke quay and immersed ourselves into this bustling part of the city. We managed to discover new food places, some of which we have been wanting to try but never knew where it was.

We walked for about 2.5 hours and decided to grab some drinks from cheers before heading home.

Yesterday was also the first time we used the earphones splitter. Both of us listening to the same song through our own earpiece, holding hands and strolled through places. And despite that, we never fail to tap on each other when we see something interesting.

I love holding your hands just walking through places. How you will hold me close for the fear of losing me in the crowd. How you got excited when you found the food places you wanted to try. I love how we still have so much to explore despite living in this tiny red dot.

It was a good day.

lost.

So I told them about my decision to quit school, and I'm really glad my sis understand what I'm going through. As for my mum, I expected worst, but I figured she won't want to talk to me for the next couple of days.

Right now, I feel relief. Yet, part of me is afraid of what is going to happen to me in the future. I'm taking a leap of faith and I hope there would be something for me to stand on on the other side.

Thankful for you. For always having this faith in me. Even when I was crying my eyes out saying that I could not handle the stress anymore. I'm a weakling and you are my pillar of support. You support my every decision and even when I'm unsure of the decision I'm making, you always reassure me in every way you can. I thank God for you. Every single day.

And thank you for getting me the wallet today. I love it a lot.
Now I have a brand new wallet after 2 years! My old one is in such a pathetic state its embarrassing to even show it to others.

Love you baby.

so im stuck here, facing my accounting notes yet nothing is going through my brain.

And I spent the last few hours looking for alternative courses to take.

Today, I'm gonna talk to my sis and mum about quitting accounting. And i hope, i really hope they will allow me to.

No i do not have a backup plan, and yes i fear for what lies in front of me too.

but i know one day for sure, i hate accounting and i never ever see myself as being one either.

i just hope and pray my sis and mum will be agreeable with me.

x keeping my fingers crossed x

Life.

Today I spent an entire day at home staring at financial reporting. I won't say it isn't productive but it wasn't that productive either. At times I feel super motivated to do whatever I could to save my results, but at other times, the fear of failing just caught up to me and make me feel that I'm super useless myself, It makes me doubt that maybe I'm born in the wrong country or something. This place views results more than anything in the world and that's why I cannot fail. Because failing will really means I'm a failure. And being the youngest and the last to graduate in my family really puts a whole lot of pressure. I seem to be the reason why my parents still can't retire. And that's sucks. I don't take pressure in a good way either. And why all these thoughts come running in my head, I lose it and breakdown. And studying something that I do not like doesn't help much either. 

i envy those who could sit down for hours just studying. And I admire those who managed to graduate despite doing something they do not like. It takes lots of willpower, and sadly, I don't think I have it. 

Roar, enough of ranting. 

At least today was made better by the early arrival of my asos bikini bottom! ^^

Okay, time to go back to reality. 

Maybe, just maybe.

Maybe I could get used to it.

Note to self: Have zero expectations.