I feel that "I love you" is one of the scariest thing you could ever say to someone.

You are entrusting your heart to them, hoping and praying your hardest that they will never break it.

It was weird seeing your family again, after almost a year of not seeing them. All kinds of mixed feelings came up, the sense of familiarity, how I thought we were going to be a family somehow becoming acquaintances instead. I have to thank them, for being so welcoming to me. It feels somewhat good, to be able to see them without having you around. And I'm really glad that they still treats me the same as before and trying very to keep me updated on their lives. I guess because of my sudden disappearance from their lives, there wasn't any proper ending. We didn't sort out the things we left at each other's house, and mine were probably already thrown away by you. I just fade out, from their lives like that. No proper goodbye, no proper explanations.

You have changed, and I have came to accept that fact. You are no longer the same person that I once knew or loved. The fact that you have decided on 'staying as friends' was pathetic excuse for you to feel better about yourself. You used to said I was a runner, and how I always chose to run away from our problems. Yet you, of all people, becoming quite a runner yourself. You ended off "Us" by running away, not even having the fucking courage to look me in the eyes and tell me why.

I was grateful that you told me about the passing of your grandfather. I was actually ready to give you the support if you have needed it. Until you decided that I should not come pay my respect at all. I figured that you just didn't have the fucking courage to see me again, because you wouldn't know how to handle the situation of me seeing your family again. And then I realised I don't have to listen to your fucking nonsense anymore, I don't need to be controlled by you. I went when you weren't there. I wouldn't know how to react as well if I have seen you there. I didn't want to be treated like shit by you one final time if you had seen me there.

I'm glad I went despite you opposing to it. At the very least, I got to say a final goodbye to him and at the same time got to see your parents one final time. At least there was a proper goodbye to them, and I'm able to end on good terms with them.

I don't want my relationship with them to be like the one with you. Because you are just a mean person to me and they are not.

You fucking bastard.

I don't know why am I still so hung up about you, when you could just throw away everything and leave. You asshole you fucking asshole.

I know I'm loved by my friends and family. And I know I fucking do not deserve the way you treated me. Yet I don't understand why you, yes you keep running in my head.

I remembered once you asked me, " How do you know I really like this pair of jeans?"

And I told you this, "The way your eyes sparkle and shine just by looking at it." 

It's true, your eyes have the kind of sparkle when you see or try something that you really love, and that's how I know that I should really get it for you. 

I never thought I would ever stop looking at those pair of  eyes, 

Until they stopped shining for me.

of course I miss you. I still do. After 4 fucking years together, how could I not?
And I know I shouldn't, after how you decide to throw me away.

"I need some time alone."
"Can we just be friends?'

And that's it. That's how my world fucking fell apart. There's no explanation. Nothing. You just decided that you no longer needed me.

One day, we were at Carousel having dinner, celebrating you and your mum's birthday. And the very next, this just happened. Its as if a car just hit me over and over again. But the thing is, I really wish I could just die, and not feel any of this heartache.

Remember the last place you brought me to for a date? The House of Robert Timms at Wheelock, on 3rd July 2015. I accompanied you for a haircut before that. I remembered feeling at peace, like everything was finally falling into place. That you were no longer that hot tempered guy and I learnt to be more understanding. When you told me you were bringing me on a date, I felt like the happiest girl on earth. Because, it has been so long. So long since we went on one. And because your university was starting soon with all the crazy camps and all, I felt like we really needed one. I remembered looking at you, and thinking, " Yup, I really love you so so much." That same feeling 4 years back when you ran to buy me a Mcflurry just to cheer me up.

And who knows? 24 days later, everything just changed. Just like that.

And at first, I couldn't believe it.

"Maybe its a phrase? Maybe he is just tired. He will come around and be back with me once all these stupid camps have ended."

But it didn't. And up till now, I still ask myself "why?"

People were telling me about how some guys change when they first entered uni.

"Huh? You encourage him to join hall? Aren't you worried?"

Silly me thought, "Why would I? I trusted you so much. And after 4 years and tons of shit we have been through together, I think we are at a good place right now."

And I really wanted you to join all the camps and all because I know you were a good person that people tend to misunderstand. People don't see the goodness in you. But I do. And I know you want more friends and people to understand you better. That's why I encourage, even if that means I will not be able to see you as often.

That very night when you accused me of questioning you. You fucking didn't even give me a chance to explain myself. Why did I keep texting you and asking you all sorts of questions?

fuck, because I know that your first camp experience wasn't that great and you were feeling lonely, and that's why for your hall camp I tried to reply you as best as I can. I tried my best to entertain you.
And all I get was you trying to break up with me.

And I thought, "oh 2015 is gonna be a good year, because we quarreled so much lesser and we talked to each other so much more."

You, you just left me alone to settle the heart break you caused. And fuck even up till now, I still believe that is a goodness in you.

I cringed each time I see things that remind me of you. When the bus passes by the restaurant we last had our date. When I walked by places that we have been. Even up till now, when I look at something interesting like a new cafe or a top I want to buy, I would start to imagine what you would say.

"Orhh, go get lor."
"Orhh, next time we go try."

And it's almost a month away from our supposed 5th anniversary. I don't even know how I would react on that very day. I even got the materials ready to make your graduation card way back when we were still together. That's how much I look forward to our future together.

Sometimes I really hope it's all just a dream. That maybe, just maybe I will wake up one day with you still here with me.

I still fucking miss you.

When you are just so fucking tired with everything that keeps coming your way and you pray so hard for never having to wake up and face this cruel world again.